lullabye

Years ago, my mom and I were driving along, talking about some upsetting thing that had happened to me recently. I was maybe 19 or 20, so I'm sure it felt more dramatic than it really was, as I don't even remember now what I was so upset about. We were quiet for a while and then I started humming the hymn "My Jesus I Love Thee" quietly to myself. My mom asked why I was humming and I told her that although it's strange and the lyrics of the song really aren't about being comforted in any way, when I sing or hear that song, I calm down. I always sang it when I was frightened, and usually if I was really upset. It was a habit that I always remember having, like a nervous tic or something. She smiled and told me that she used to sing that song to me when she was pregnant with me, and often when I was just a baby, as she rocked me to sleep. I thought it was amazing and beautiful that my brain and my heart remembered that, and that still, to this very day, it has a very calming affect on me. I still hum it to myself if I'm upset, or if I've had a bad dream. Works like a charm.

So my overly analytical side kicked in, and I started thinking: What song do I want my child to hear? What do I want it to say? I can't, for instance, in good conscience, listen to Michael Bolton all day long and be having that conversation with my child in twenty years. "You know mom, when I hear Soul Provider, something in my heart just feels wonderful. Why do you think that is?" I'd just die. Note: I do not (any longer, or very often) listen to Michael Bolton. But can you imagine if I did?! Worship music was the obvious choice.

So I've gone ahead and made a lullaby CD for the baby, which I am now playing endlessly. But again, in making the CD, I was startled at how difficult it was. I know the baby doesn't understand language yet, but what do I want it to know about the character of God? What do I want it to fall asleep hearing in it's little ears? I've always been fussy about worship music. Even in church. There's so much that we sing that we don't think about. "You give and take away/ My heart will choose to say/ Blessed be the name of the Lord" Something in my heart always says "umm...really?" I'd love to be that way, but most times my song would go: "You give and take away/ I pout and whine and cry/ And grudgingly I say/ Blessed be the name of the Lord" I mean, lets be honest here. There are also songs that carry too much weight for me emotionally. I tried to put on "Give Me Jesus" which is a beautiful song, with beautiful simple lyrics, but when he says "And when I go to die, Give me Jesus" I fall apart because I'm thinking about Grandpa. I also didn't want a lullaby that mentioned death. I wanted to make sure that I picked lovely sounding, soft music with lyrics that I can actually sing to my child. And that one day, maybe, they can sing to themselves or hear when they're upset and relate to and be comforted.

Thank goodness, for artists like Nichole Nordeman, Kathryn Scott, and Jill Phillips. First of all, their voices are so insanely beautiful and sweet sounding. The music is soft and lullaby-like, and the lyrics are beautiful and simple and honest. My three favorite songs on the CD are "Small Enough" by Nichole Nordeman, "I Belong" by Kathyrn Scott, and my very favorite, "I Am" by Jill Phillips. If you've never heard them, you should download them. They're lovely. I sing "I Am" to the baby all the time, though not nearly as well as she does. We're going to put a little MP3 player in the nursery, and I'm bringing the CD along to the hospital so that it can be playing after the baby's born. Our super-fancy birth suite comes equipped with a stereo/MP3 player.

There's something special about music, I think. Something that our hearts remember from Heaven. There is nothing more special to me than the song Peter wrote for me for our wedding day. If I had to pick between never hearing it again, or giving you my engagement ring, you could have the diamond, no problem. I'm now dropping hints about Peter writing the baby a lullaby, which would just be so precious. I figure if he's that talented, it should be a requirement, since not all of us can do it. When I played him the newly made CD (about fourteen times) he had all these neat suggestions about other songs that would work. He believes the research that states that babies who listen to classical music are aided in brain development, so now he wants a classical CD for the baby to listen to as well. I'm not so sure about the actual benefits of it, but hey, it beats Michael Bolton. Right now its the soundtrack to Pride and Prejudice, which is also very beautiful. I love that he cares about things like this, it makes me smile. The other night we were watching Sense and Sensibility, and we're currently reading Persuasion to each other, and he said how cute it would be to have a little girl who would love to watch Jane Austen movies with us and who would love the books. Oh the funny things we think about. I love thinking about sitting in a dark nursery, feeding my baby, and singing it lullabies. And since my nesting is being put on hold by my not knowing the sex of the baby, I'm finding all these funny places to invest energy.

Anyway, if you've read this far, go download those songs and give them a listen, and let me know what you listened to when you were pregnant, or songs that you love to play for your kids and grandkids now. Or if there's songs like that for you, that just instantly calm and relax you. We keep adding to the CD, I'm sure it will become a set sometime soon. Send me your address, and I'll make you a copy.