lists

Hi Baby,

I can't believe how excited I am to meet you. I want so much to know who you are, and what you look like. At the same time, I feel like you're coming very quickly, and that I'm not as prepared as I'd like to be. Your mommy feels better about life in general when she organizes, makes lists, and can check things off her to-do list. I feel like we're just making a bigger and bigger list for when you get here, because so many things I want to do for you require me knowing if you're a boy or girl. Unless you want to wear a lot of yellow for the first while (I know you don't care, but I'm silly like that), or I want to go shopping after you're born. I thought that I was okay with not knowing what you are until you arrive, but today I'm wondering.

Today I feel a little like I can't prepare for you the way I'd like to. I want to have your nursery done when I bring you home, not just started. I want to have all your little clothes washed and put away in your dresser, and your bed all set up and ready for you. I want to stop calling you baby, and call you by your real name. Today I want to dream about you in pink or blue. I want to think about you as a person, not just a baby. We keep calling you little boy things, and if you're a girl, I'm very sorry about that. We promise not to call you buddy when you get here.

I feel a little today like nothing is in my control, and maybe that's how I'll feel for the rest of my life, now that you're a real person, and not just someone we're dreaming about having one day. Yesterday you turned over, and I'm not going to lie to you, it hurt more than a little bit. I was actually worried if you were okay, and if I was okay. Today it feels like someone punched me in the stomach, and I'm worried about you being in the wrong position which means you either need to turn over again, or we just became c-section people. Just like that. I hope you flip over. I hope you do it soon, because it felt to me like you didn't have enough room to do it the first time, let alone in a few weeks when you're so much bigger. I'm happy that you're growing away in there, that you're safe and protected, even if it feels like I'm not doing the protecting. I can't wait until I can wrap you up tight and hold you in my arms. It's not the same holding you in my tummy. I want to see you wiggle, and hear the sounds you make when you sigh and squeak and make all those beautiful baby noises. I want to make a safe, happy little home for you.

I have so many things that I want to do to prepare for you, and yet I know that nothing will prepare me for the moment they lay you in my arms. For the way my heart will expand until it nearly explodes, much like I feel my abdomen is currently doing. Sometimes your dad just stares at it, at you, as though my tummy has become its own being, this thing in the room with us. Lots of times he talks to you, or tries to bump you back when you kick him. He sang to you the other day, which you seemed to like a lot. I can't wait until your daddy can hold you. So much of this is something that I kind of do alone, just me and you, and I can't wait to share you with him, if that makes any sense.

We're getting there little one. Almost there, almost time. Your mom needs to go make a list of things she could be doing while she's waiting for you. Things she can do without knowing if you're a boy or girl. Maybe she'll feel a little better then.

I love you sweet baby.
~Mommy