not what I expected

So I know it's stupid and girlie of me, but I've been praying that I would get a sign that I'm going to get pregnant. Part of me knew that it wasn't going to happen last month. I just knew it. When I talked to my friend Joy about that feeling, she told me that although she'd have never said it at the time, she knew it too. It was still pretty depressing. I'd had the worst possible day of work, I was insanely stressed out, and came home in tears, only to get my period the moment I walked in the door. I called in sick the next day. I also told Peter before we started trying, that I was pretty sure it would take a couple of months. I didn't think we'd get pregnant on the first or even second try. I used those words. I just had a feeling.

For all the feelings I get, I'm probably right about 75% of the time. Even still, I don't trust them all that much. So I've been secretly praying for a sign. Something that would be so out there, that I would know that it meant that I was going to get pregnant very soon. I'm onto my last chance to get pregnant before we go to Wyoming, so that we can tell Peter's family in person. This is so important to me, maybe due to some guilt feeling that I've stolen him away from them and everything is now to do with my family simply due to geographical convenience, and more to do with the fact that I want them more involved in our lives. I think it sucks that they hear everything about us over the phone, or over Facebook. Either way, I've been praying a lot that it would happen this month, if for that reason only.

Here's the weird thing. A couple of days after finding out I'm not pregnant, I was feeling a little down, trying not to get too discouraged, when I opened the mail and found a package. A friend of mine sent me a present. Firstly, this friend and I, though close, do not exchange gifts. Not for Christmas or birthdays, not ever. We e mail, and pray for each other, and I went to visit her when she had her baby this past spring, but our relationship requires very little upkeep. We've hung out about three times in the past seven years. So needless to say, I was surprised at a gift from her for no reason at all. So I get home, open it up and there's a copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting". I swear, my mouth literally fell right open.

If this gift had been from my mom, I would have thought nothing of it. I'd have rolled my eyes, and filed it away for later. But this friend is not at all the type to send something like that when she had no idea if we were trying or not. From anyone else it would be presumptuous, or at best, just depressing. From her it was just completely unusual and amazingly intuitive. She'd also been bugged about when to have children, and she just wouldn't do the same to me. I e mailed her right away asking her why she sent it, and explaining that for me, it was a remarkably reassuring gift and explained why. She said it must be God, and an answer to prayer, because she was walking through a thrift store, saw it in good condition, and thought to herself "Who could use this?" and right away thought of me - with no reason whatsoever to think that. So she bought it and mailed it and I got it within days of getting my period. I couldn't have picked a more perfect time.

My friend Joy, also says she has a really good feeling about this month. I keep bugging Peter, and asking him what he feels on the subject and with true male logic says. "I hope we do. I think there's a good chance that we will be." That's just not at all what I'm looking for, though you can't fault him for not being a woman, I suppose. But my intuition is all messed up. I don't feel anything. I want it too much. I can't tell, I just don't know. I'll know soon enough, likely by next weekend or so. I'm tired of the waiting part. I want to get to the expecting part.