tomorrow

Hi baby,

Tomorrow we're going for our ultrasound to find out whether you're a boy or a girl. I can't wait. Nobody really knows right now and although everyone is guessing, that's all it is, just a guess. Your daddy is the only one who will not put in even one guess. Not one. He says that there's no point. You are who you are already and guessing about something he has no way of knowing would be silly. He's probably right, but I can't help myself, so I think it's better we find out. Then I'll stop calling you "buddy" if you're a little girl, or browsing at pink dresses if you're a boy.

Everyone keeps asking me what I want. What I'm hoping for. I'm hoping for you. We prayed so hard that you'd come into our lives, and what we know about you now is pretty irrelevant (sorry - that's a big word, I'll teach it to you later). I think that God picked you for us. So if I like the idea of an oldest big brother (only because I wasn't a very good big sister) then that's fine - but if you're a girl, then I like that idea more, because that's what God wants our family to look like. Some days I think you're a little boy, and then other days I think you're a girl. Some people have told me that that's because maybe there's two of you in there, and we are getting one of each. I don't think so. We checked.

So here's the thing. Regardless of what you are, and when we'll find out, or, heaven forbid, we find out and then you're born and everyone was wrong, I want you to know what we're happy about. I don't ever want you to think that we were waiting for one or the other. We're not. In some ways, I would have loved it if there really were one of each.

If you're a boy, your name is Gabriel William. Gabriel means "hero of God" and that's why we chose it. We wanted to give you a strong, masculine sounding name. We pray that you'll be a man of God, and a hero to the people around you. Your dad is a great example of a good man, and the reason why having a little boy doesn't scare me at all. If you turn out like your dad, you'll be just fine. William was your great-grandpas name, and it means "protector" or "strong-willed warrior". Both of your great-grandpas were great men, and if you ever have a brother, he'll be named after the other one. Your great-grandpa William was a protector though. He lived in India with his family and one day they found out there was a man-eating tiger nearby and everyone was very afraid. Your great-grandpa, who was very brave, went out and killed that tiger, and he saved his whole family, and the whole town where they lived.

If you're a boy, your dad is so excited to teach you things. He's already thinking of camping and football season (which you should be born just in time for this year) and I've even seen him looking at tiny little football jerseys for you. He's going to teach you how to fish and throw a ball, and climb mountains. There's something special about a man and his son, and your daddy is going to be a great father, and a wonderful friend to you. I just know it. I love thinking about sitting on the deck watching the two of you play tackle football in the yard and getting all dirty. I like to think of him teaching you to chop wood, and hold a door open for a girl one day. If you're a boy, we can't wait to "do stuff" with you, as your dad says.

If you're a little girl, your name is Isabella Simone. Isabella means "consecrated to God" and in Italian, "Bella", which is what we're planning to call you, means "beautiful". Simone was a name that my mom wanted to name me. Your daddy wanted to name our little girl after me in some way, and because I didn't want you to have the same first name as me, because that's confusing, and because I didn't want you to be Rachelle Morel, we decided on this. We wanted to pick pretty names for you, and this one was the prettiest we could think of.

There's so many things we're excited about if you're a little girl. Someone I work with believes that your daddy is such a wonderful guy, and that not many girls nowadays have wonderful daddies, and so you must be a girl. She says that a little girl deserves a daddy like that. I agree with her. When I asked your daddy a long time ago what he would be most excited about if you're a girl, he said, "snuggling her". Sometimes when we're talking to you in my tummy, we'll call you "buddy" or something boy-sounding, and then catch ourselves. I told your daddy that if you're a girl, maybe he should come up with a nickname or a special name for you too. I'm pretty sure you don't want to be "buddy". He thought for a long time and then said, "Maybe I'll call her Tinkerbell". That made me laugh. I'm excited to buy you pretty things, and dress you up. I'm excited to play dolls with you, and have tea-parties. I would be excited to bake cookies with you, but I'm terrible at that. Maybe we'll learn together. You're still going to have to watch football I'm afraid. The same little boys baby jersey comes in a little girls cheerleading outfit. You'll love it though. Cuddled on the couch with your mom and dad, watching football this fall. I think it would be so much fun to have a little princess in the house.

We can't wait to meet you. Yesterday, our very good friends had a baby girl (who I was sure was a baby boy) and we're going to meet her today. Her daddy has decided that if you're a boy, you're her future husband, so we better go meet her I think. Her name is Sophia and her mom and dad waited for a baby for a long time too. You'll be spending lots of time with Sophia either way, because I spend a lot of time with her mommy. We've spent lots of time dreaming about you both, and for some reason, now that Sophia is here, it feels like you're that much closer.

Best of all, tomorrow I get to see you again. I'm hoping and praying and begging you that you'll be good for the person taking your picture and that you'll tell us what you are. I'm sorry, but I may drink some extra coffee to make sure. You wiggle so much now, and every time I feel you I stop a little bit, and I smile. People must think I'm crazy, especially at work. It makes me so happy to feel you move and kick and wiggle. Yesterday morning your daddy felt you too, and he loved it. We love you so much. We can't wait to meet you and see who you are.

Love, mommy.