I'm pregnant.
Somewhere inside me, growing away without my knowledge of anything strange happening at all, is a baby. An entire human life, a soul. It already possesses all the DNA that determines whether it's a boy or girl. What color hair and eyes it will have. Whether it will be shy or outgoing. I'm in total and complete shock. It doesn't feel real quite yet. It feels like this has happened to a friend of mine and I'm so excited for them, but it can't be me. I have looked at far too many negative pregnancy tests that I keep wandering back into the bathroom to look at my positive one, which I can't bring myself to throw away. This disgusts even me a little, this little stick that I've peed on that part of me wants to scrapbook somehow. I'm sure I'll throw it away eventually here. Just not yet. I still need a little convincing.
I was so sure it wasn't going to happen this month. I felt nothing all month long, I almost couldn't think about it. I felt exactly like I was about to get my period, and for a day or so I thought I had. I don't know when I ovulated, didn't look at a chart, didn't know my "due date". I just felt numb. Two nights ago when I thought this month was a bust, I lay in my bed and cried and cried at the injustice of it all. And all the while it was there. Silly me.
I'm so happy that it feels like there should be a different word for it. Elated. Overwhelmed. Blessed. Delighted. I got to tell my mom and dad and my grandma, which was special. My mom was confused at first. We brought the new puppy over and my mom was playing with her and I asked, "do you like your little grandbaby? Would you like another one?" My mom thought I was talking about getting another dog which makes sense I suppose, and stared at me all confused. I finally said "I'm pregnant" and then she got all excited and cried and did the appropriate mom thing. I can't wait to tell Robyn. We're keeping it just to immediate family right now, since like I said, I still almost don't believe it. I'm going to go to the doctor today, and I've called in sick to work. I can't believe this is us. I can't believe that I'm going to be a mom. My due date is September 14th which feels like it's so soon, even though I know that's ages away yet. I'm so so excited, and scared, and overwhelmed, and sick, actually. I think at this point it's nerves, I barely slept last night. I kept touching my stomach and trying not to go back into the bathroom to look at that beautiful little plus sign.
My amazing husband and father-to-be just showed up with a bouquet of pink and yellow tulips and a card. How could things get any better right now!?
7 comments:
You'll know how much better things can get in about 7 1/2 months when you hold that precious baby in your arms for the first time :)
Did you take a picture of your + sign. that way you can scrapebook it.
I don't think it's gross that you still have your pregnancy test! I still have mine! It's on the little ledge right above my bed and just yesterday I blew all the dust off of it so I could see the matching lines!
Aunty Susan beat me. I did that. Took a picture of it.
You want to know when it starts feeling real? Uhhhh... Let me get back to you, sometimes I still can't believe I'm a mom to the two I have already. I'm their MOM. They're MY kids. So weird.
You know... Even if you threw out your original test, you could take another and then take a picture. (In case you're like me, and need photo documentation of every moment of your child's life...)
LOL - I tossed it. No picture.
I don't know why I didn't think of that. It's not like they wouldn't keep coming up positive...Seems like a waste of $12 after the fact though.
I think it's amazing that when you had almost lost hope was when it happened. And I'm so happy for you that's it's basically going to be a fall baby, and you'll have a baby this Christmas. I never realized it and took stock on all of my thoughts about pregnancy, childbirth and such, but reading your blog and hearing your thoughts and fears and expectations makes me realize how many expectations and fears I have about it. A few years ago, I thought I would never have kids, didn't want to have kids, but things have changed so much. So many people in our family are either expecting or just recently given birth that I almost want to throw away that almost brand-new package of pills I got yesterday.
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