discretion

07.27.2008
By nature, I am not a very private person. First of all, in my family, privacy was a luxury and secrets were difficult, if not impossible. To this day, I'm a terrible secret-keeper. If you have told me one of yours, I've probably told someone else, though usually someone who you don't know, just for the sake of it coming back to bite me, or you. Some things are too good not to share. Now I just tell Peter, which most people expect anyway. One of the great advantages of being married, I suppose.

However, I find myself being rather secretive about this particular subject. Trying to conceive seems like a totally private matter to me. Perhaps, it's about the way in which a child is conceived. If babies were made from oh, say, playing Phase 10, well - I'd be pregnant. If they were made from winning Phase 10, I'd have a brand new contraceptive on my hands. But at least if that were it, then it wouldn't be so strange to have someone ask, "are you and Peter trying?" or even to volunteer the information: "Peter and I have to go home and play some Phase 10, we've been playing every evening for a month now!"

However, in case you haven't heard, babies come from sex. From the most intimate moments shared between two people. I can't seem to get past thinking this when people ask me if Peter and I are trying. And they certainly ask. We've been married for three and a half years and I'm starting to feel like they're really echoing my niece Naomi when she said, "You and Uncle Peter aren't parents? Don't you know how?" It's cute from a three year old child. It's invasive coming from a stranger. The funny thing is, this is not something every woman is sensitive about. It seems to be a me thing. To be honest, I don't even want to know if you're trying. It makes me wonder things about your life that I have no business even thinking about. Especially if it takes a little while. Let me know when you're expecting, that's fantastic. I start thinking about babies, and little shoes and receiving blankets. When you tell me you're trying, I think about...Phase 10.

Don't get me wrong, it doesn't usually make me angry; it's just awkward. And because this seems to be an issue that is exclusive to me, I know that most people don't realize what they're asking. Most women just want to know when they can start shopping. It makes for the best kind of gossip, baby news. I love hearing that someone is pregnant. Even people I don't know, and especially lately. For most women, this is simply a precursor to that. Most women. Friends of ours didn't tell anyone they were trying and when some church ladies found out she was pregnant, they actually whispered to her, "ooooh, this wasn't a planned pregnancy then? How are you? How did he take the news?" That would make me angry. That might make me violent. If I'm standing in front of you telling you I'm pregnant with a smile on my face, that is the extent of the information you need on the subject. I almost want to take people like that and give them a little translation book. This is what you're actually saying when you make the following comments:

"So, it's been three and a half years now...are you and Peter trying to have a baby?"
Translation:
"So, are you or are you not having frequent and unprotected sex?"

"So you want a baby one day, does that mean that you're trying not to have one right now, or that you're just not taking steps to prevent it?" Note: this is pretty much verbatim what was said to me the other day, by a girl whose last name I couldn't tell you.
Translation:
"You gave me a trite answer to what you thought was the tactful question of 'do you and Peter want to have a family?' I am unsatisfied with a simple 'yes, one day.' and will thus need further clarification. Are you using a condom or not? Or maybe you're not, but avoiding sex during times when you may become pregnant? What exactly does go on in your bedroom anyway?"

And, for the lovely church ladies: "So, was this a planned pregnancy? How did he take the news?"
Translation:
"So were you having frequent, unprotected sex, or did you just forget to buy condoms that week? I'm also going to assume that your husband is less excited about this than you are and I'm wondering if he freaked out when you had to give him the shocking news."

I wonder how many of those conversations you'd hear in a church foyer? Probably not very many. Maybe I should publish the book for other women like me, and sell it and start the baby's college fund.

I like our secret. It's strange, making up little half truths, or letting people assume that nothing has changed. My family, for example, thinks that Peter and I are preparing to jet off to YWAM in the spring. We thought and prayed about it, and have had some ministry opportunities come up here that we're really excited about and think that we may stay a while. The plan was to go to YWAM and start trying there. My poor mother is very sad thinking that she may hear about her next grandchild over a long distance phone call. There won't be any shopping trips, or painting nurserys. She said this the other day, and I had to fight not to smile at her. I acted sad about it, but stuck in my ways, and she dropped the subject. Poor thing. In this, everyone will assume that it was unplanned, and then I suppose I'll direct them here. For now though, shhh. It's a secret.